I have a new laptop. It involves Windows 8. This is scary. Utterly terrifying, even. I just want it to be the noughties forever.
This is how I’m feeling about the new device I have purchased. Everything is more modern. I’ve spent the last eight to ten years comfortably in the company of Windows XP, on the computer I have had for just as long. This is new and scary, and the woman in the shop told me that I’m apparently connected to the Internet all the time, so now I’m totally paranoid that tonnes of people are watching me as I paint turtles on Paint. Hey, does this thing even have Paint?
Technology has gotten weird. Everything is connected to the Internet, which although cool, makes me feel like an octogenarian technophobe being forced into a spaceship whilst wearing a robot costume. I am terrified. I’m a person who finds it seriously creepy that my boyfriend spends his time playing on his PS3 with strangers from all over the world. Solitary activities have now become shared, and we’re all being watched and judged as we shoot all the horses on Red Dead Redemption. Which is what actually happened to me when I went on Luke’s PS3, but apparently it was a friendly match so I wasn’t supposed to be killing the horses, which made me rather angry as on my GameCube I can kill as many horses as I damn well like without strangers from Brazil judging me for it.
Windows 8 is like a badly done treasure hunt, where it’s my job to find all my programmes just so I can actually be productive. It has no start menu. It has no start menu. And, most importantly, it has no start menu. I’m very distraught by this. I tried to click start and it took me to a sad page full of colours and pictures, which made me feel like I was at a rave full of drunk people, and I’m not really into raves full of drunk people. I couldn’t find Microsoft Word, or Paint, or solitaire. All I could see was rave lighting and it just made me feel terribly old. This is the future. The future is tonnes of bright icons that are supposedly meant for making our lives easier, when in actual fact they just make me want climb into the airing cupboard and cry in confusion. I like text-based menus. I like knowing what I’m clicking on. But that just makes me old-fashioned and out of touch according to Windows 8.
My menu is now so unorganised and sad and there are little pictures that move and tell me about news stories from around the world and I just don’t know if I can cope with this much interactivity. I don’t need the Internet in my life at all times. There is nothing wrong with an operating system where the menus just stay nice and still while I’m watching them. Nothing at all. Now I know how people felt when electricity was invented. What is this witchcraft?
Dramatic reaction to Windows 8 aside, I have a new laptop. Which means I have no excuse to not be able to quickly type out a blog entry or be around on the Internet. It is on the Internet all the time after all, as the woman in the laptop shop informed me to try and trap me into buying antivirus software because apparently Windows 8 finds it easier to catch viruses than a person cuddling strangers in the doctor’s. I have been very busy, so I will catch everyone up on all that soon. And I’ll also tell you about how I did with the 30 Day Challenge that I set myself. It is not too great, can I cheat and add extra days until I’ve done?