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Ways to Get More Hits (That Don’t Involve Punching Yourself in the Face)

This post is meant as a joke, so don’t take any of it seriously. There are plenty of great, serious articles out there about increasing traffic on your website, so go and read those if you want real advice. Or stay here and read this rubbish. I apologise in advance. 🙂

 

Getting hits on your website can be hard to begin with. You can spend ages writing blog entries about bicycles made entirely out of cheese for trolls and still only end up with one measly page view. I mean, cheese bicycles for trolls, what’s not to love? This blog entry will give you a few tips on how to increase your visitor count, so your dairy-based bicycles blog entries won’t go riding into the sunset alone.
 

Change Your Website Name to Twifler.com

Or Facemuck.com. Or flickher.com. It doesn’t matter. People muck up on typing so much when they’re excitedly bashing the keys to do some social networking. Base your website name around one of the greats. The use of those letters worked for them so why would they not work for you? It’s an ingenious plan. Everyone will definitely be straight up excited when they get your blog about the three different types of carrot instead of Twitter. They’ll never tweet again.
 

Keep Pressing F5 on your keyboard

Getting “hits” on your website is easier than you’re thinking. The magicians who invented the internet also invented the spell casting F5 button, which, when pressed, causes someone to visit your website. It might be some sort of magic fairydust, or it could just be some sort of good karma for giving F5 a bit of love. Who knows? Maybe you can find out on your hunt for unicorns and trolls.
 

Pay people to visit

It is generally found that people respond well to money. If anyone gave me enough money for a chocolate bar I would probably visit their website every day and go on a raging compliment spree. And it wouldn’t matter about the topic of their blog entries:

‘So you scraped off some old wallpaper today? How interesting and exciting, you wonderful person, I am sure society will greatly appreciate your hard work. Maybe you’ll get a Nobel Prize. I certainly think you deserve one!’

Bribery is always a great idea. It’s fast as well as effective. Just throw pound coins at your screen and they’ll automatically send to people. Hits achieved.
 

Constantly Tweet your URL

2000 tweets about a website you should visit? How could you refuse? If it’s on your dashboard 2000 times then it must be good. And people love lots of links on Twitter. That sensuous green text always makes my heart flutter. BRB just writing love letters to Twitter’s link text.
 

Ask people to visit your website

There are lots of blog entries out there just waiting for you comment on. If you’re stuck for something to say then why not just greet them with a ‘Visit my website’ followed by your URL. It’s a great way to politely introduce yourself. I may even start doing it in real life. ‘Hi, can I take your order?’ ‘Visit my blog Mamyology.com LOL.’ I think the staff at McDonalds would love the added touch of a LOL. It would make me sound less serious and businessy, so they’ll know that I’m a nice friendly individual.
 
 
If these don’t work, go out on Friday evening when everyone’s finished work. Then you’ll get lots of traffic.

10 thoughts on “Ways to Get More Hits (That Don’t Involve Punching Yourself in the Face)

  1. Hahahaha. I’ve never even though about the ingenious first idea. Some companies (like WordPress) trademark their names to avoid confusion like that but they obviously can’t trademark misspellings of their names!

    Does refreshing your page count as hits? Don’t those counters count unique hits? Hmn.

    I think in a way visiting and leaving comments on other websites is a humble way of doing the last one, and of course we are all guilty of it! (Except the terrible commenters that just comment on the least important thing in your post.)

  2. Constantly tweeting your URL NEVER GETS OLD. Also Amy, your humour has honestly not changed since we started talking in 2008 (HOLY CRAP HAS IT BEEN THAT LONG? Yes I remember when you reviewed my website at Out The Window with the weird doodle-scribble layouts). 😀

  3. Haha! All these things reminded me of the Piczo days. I remember when I had a Piczo site with a hit counter and I would refresh the page in hope of making my site look popular.

  4. I have a slimfast tub full of loose change! I didn’t think of paying people to visit! That’s a brilliant idea! I’m try that right away!

    Love the F5 paragraph, I used to do that on my friend’s youtube channel so she felt like her videos were a bit more popular. Really it was just me and F5….

  5. Y’know, I’m pretty sure I read that most major sites (like Google and Facebook) buy the domain names for the most commonly used typos for the actual domain name, to redirect them to the proper site. That’d be pretty handy if it were true.

    I think another good tip for this article would be a page out of Miley Cyrus’ book and just rock up nude. That’d definitely get the hits, haha.

  6. Haha these are wonderful. I love Twitter links, ESPECIALLY when there are a ton of them in a row! It’s like never-ending new websites! :p

    I remember back when I started internet-ing, like 2006, so many people were concerned with the number of hits they got. Now, I just kind of look at it with a grain of salt, so to speak. There are too many good websites without many hits and too many horrible websites with tons of hits for me to take it all seriously. 🙂

    & thanks, I am enjoying school 🙂

  7. Omg that was an awesome post. Hilarious!!

    I remember back in the way when people cared so much about hits and everyone had those counters and stuff. I remember people having such fancy counters too!! Lol

  8. I’m so totally taking your advice, Amy.

    haha no, but seriously. Why are you so hilarious?

    Sometimes when I see graffiti on a wall, I think: “You know what would be an utterly ingenious way to get more hits on my site (and get myself promptly arrested)? Spray paint: ‘VISIT MY BLOG JENIGMA.ORG LOL’ all over the damn place!” As you pointed out, the aptly placed LOL really sells the point.

    Also, I WILL someday be the proud owner of Facemuck.com, .org, and .net. And maybe .info as well. I think your plan to Internet fame-dom is foolproof!!

  9. This post made my night! If people like seeing big numbers, put a rock over the F5 key overnight and see the magic happen when they wake up. Don’t forget to add some obnoxious hashtags along with your tweet too for some added bonus or something, aha.

    If someone paid me to comment a normal post, I wouldn’t mind :I. $5 a week makes a difference on whether or not you can buy that extra bag of candy!

    You can also add your sites to your voicemail messages too for increased traffic XD!

  10. This is so funny!

    People actually do use some of these tips though! I’m sure they do get a lot of traffic, sometimes unwanted or useless 😮 I wouldn’t mind if I earnt money commenting on people’s posts! Would be cool 😀

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