This post is meant as a joke, so don’t take any of it seriously. There are plenty of great, serious articles out there about increasing traffic on your website, so go and read those if you want real advice. Or stay here and read this rubbish. I apologise in advance. 🙂
Getting hits on your website can be hard to begin with. You can spend ages writing blog entries about bicycles made entirely out of cheese for trolls and still only end up with one measly page view. I mean, cheese bicycles for trolls, what’s not to love? This blog entry will give you a few tips on how to increase your visitor count, so your dairy-based bicycles blog entries won’t go riding into the sunset alone.
Change Your Website Name to Twifler.com
Or Facemuck.com. Or flickher.com. It doesn’t matter. People muck up on typing so much when they’re excitedly bashing the keys to do some social networking. Base your website name around one of the greats. The use of those letters worked for them so why would they not work for you? It’s an ingenious plan. Everyone will definitely be straight up excited when they get your blog about the three different types of carrot instead of Twitter. They’ll never tweet again.
Keep Pressing F5 on your keyboard
Getting “hits” on your website is easier than you’re thinking. The magicians who invented the internet also invented the spell casting F5 button, which, when pressed, causes someone to visit your website. It might be some sort of magic fairydust, or it could just be some sort of good karma for giving F5 a bit of love. Who knows? Maybe you can find out on your hunt for unicorns and trolls.
Pay people to visit
It is generally found that people respond well to money. If anyone gave me enough money for a chocolate bar I would probably visit their website every day and go on a raging compliment spree. And it wouldn’t matter about the topic of their blog entries:
‘So you scraped off some old wallpaper today? How interesting and exciting, you wonderful person, I am sure society will greatly appreciate your hard work. Maybe you’ll get a Nobel Prize. I certainly think you deserve one!’
Bribery is always a great idea. It’s fast as well as effective. Just throw pound coins at your screen and they’ll automatically send to people. Hits achieved.
Constantly Tweet your URL
2000 tweets about a website you should visit? How could you refuse? If it’s on your dashboard 2000 times then it must be good. And people love lots of links on Twitter. That sensuous green text always makes my heart flutter. BRB just writing love letters to Twitter’s link text.
Ask people to visit your website
There are lots of blog entries out there just waiting for you comment on. If you’re stuck for something to say then why not just greet them with a ‘Visit my website’ followed by your URL. It’s a great way to politely introduce yourself. I may even start doing it in real life. ‘Hi, can I take your order?’ ‘Visit my blog Mamyology.com LOL.’ I think the staff at McDonalds would love the added touch of a LOL. It would make me sound less serious and businessy, so they’ll know that I’m a nice friendly individual.
If these don’t work, go out on Friday evening when everyone’s finished work. Then you’ll get lots of traffic.