It’s almost the weekend so I’m going to pretend to be the wolf from Little Red Riding Hood instead of blogging about anything relating to me. This blog entry is a joke, and therefore should NOT be taken seriously. At all. I am not actually a wolf, and I am not actually advising any of this. Except maybe the part about having potatoes with a dinner. If you like potatoes that is.
People often ask me how I manage to keep my coat looking so healthy, and my teeth so white and sharp when living under the shady cover of trees on a permanent basis. What do I tell them? Mind your own business, usually. A wolf’s got to keep up his rep in these hard times we’re having. We don’t want anyone to think I’m one of those human sympathising wolves do we? But for the purpose of this article, and for the purpose of helping other wolves follow in my footsteps I will reveal my secret. Food. Good food is what makes for a healthy wolf. In this article I will tell you how to make the best meal you’ve ever had. All you have to do is follow these simple steps!
1. The Target
As any esteemed hunter knows, the first part of your task involves picking your target. As we are hunting for eating purposes (for fun purposes see section 38.9) certain rules need to be followed in order to make your meal effective. First, the person you pick ought to be a reasonable weight. This is why you never see the likes of evil queens being taunted by wolves; they’re much too skinny for a worthwhile meal. Plus their evil nature makes them somewhat more unpleasant when you’re wielding an axe in their direction. Talk about high maintenance! Which brings me onto my second rule: All prey must be nice and polite in nature.
As described above, evil beings cause some problems when chosen as a victim, which, although rather unreasonable of them when a wolf is hungry, means they should be avoided as far as targets go. They waste precious time when you are starving for supper. Good, well-mannered citizens are much better choices for a main course as they provide a more light-hearted encounter before you brutally butcher them. Which is always a nice addition to a lonesome wolf’s life. Like fruit and vegetables, good people are also healthier choices – they are far more calories in villainous meals, it must be to do with all the anger and jealousy these vile creatures store up. I’m sure they’d be a lot nicer if they had any idea! Who wants to become disgustingly chewy meat after their murder? I certainly wouldn’t.
Red capes are a good indication that your prey is good. I mean, what sort of evildoers would bring attention to themselves in bright red clothing? I think we should all give them more credit than that. And have you seen the evil queen in a red jacket? It is so not her colour.
2. The Lure
The recent boom in compulsory education for fairytale creatures has made food much harder to catch. It used to be that you just smiled at your food and she/he’s gained your trust enough to be stabbed in the chest and sliced into chicken nuggets, but with all this ‘talking to strangers’ nonsense people are less trusting. It’s the bloody salesmen that are to blame. Pretending to be all sweet and innocent when really they’ll go to any length to rip-off a poor unsuspecting human. The disgusting cretins.
To lure your food in this day and age you need to be creative. A good costume always goes down well; try to go for something unthreatening. Dinosaurs are all good and well but what innocent young woman wants to talk to a dinosaur. They’re hardly the Brad Pitt of the animal kingdom. I always find a good grandma costume works well. And the perm goes great with my Nike trainers.
3. The Kill
Keep it clean. Blood-covered fur is so 1950’s. No lady will come home with you looking like that in the modern world.
4. The Meal
There was a day when your meal would be finished there on the spot. When you’d savage a poor human in front of their own home without so much as a tablecloth and a serviette. But we are long past the days of wolves being mere savage creatures, and therefore we should all be capable of having a meal like any respectable citizen.
Firstly, you ought to cook your meat. “What, cooking, that’s human’s work?!” I can hear you all saying. But the humans have got something right in this. Plus, when we repeatedly hate on all these human traditions we get accused of racism, and I just can’t deal with all that hate mail right now. So just stick your fairytale fancy in the oven – you can go for rare if you’re still finding it hard to shake traditional wolfy ways.
Then we have to get something to go with the meat. Potatoes and other vegetables may be found in various mud-filled areas of the woods, but if the supplies in your area are unsatisfactory then fairytale creatures should find them available at their local Tesco stores. Don’t worry, you’re no less of a wolf if you have shop-bought potatoes. We all realise that digging in the ground can be a bit of a nuisance after a hard-days killing. And Tesco does have some pretty good deals on at the moment.
Finally, it’s time to set the table. Knives and forks are a must for a modern-day wolf – you can’t just go straight in their with those wolfy incisors – it’s not polite. Hospitality is the new savagery; you get me? And get a tablecloth; wooden tables don’t grow on trees you know…
If you follow these tips you are bound to end up with a scrumptious meal – ugh, I mean, a ferociously bloody meal. Happy dining!