(Also known as: The Funniest Posts I’ve Ever Written)
Note: The title of this post is based on the fact I can’t live in a rose gold wonderland because I accidentally won a giant Master Chief figurine at comic con (pictured above). I tried to get rid of said figurine, but, for some reason, Andy developed an instant emotional attachment to him. So now I have to either have a mismatched living room or get some camo wallpaper. And my landlady won’t authorise the wallpaper…
The actual post is about the funniest blogs posts I’ve ever written which, in hindsight, would have been a better title, but who needs hindsight when a giant green super soldier has already ruined your living room.
Hi. I’m back. Yes, I realise I said I was taking a month off. Yes, I realise it’s not even nearly been a month yet. And yes, I realise that this is an idiotic way to open a blog post, but it’s done now. So, hey.
During the 21 days I’ve had off from blogging I’ve had some time to think about blogging. Which probably means it hasn’t really been proper time off at all, because I’ve been thinking lots about this little piece of the Internet. Like what do I want from it? What do I enjoy about it? Why has it been so hard for me to blog lately? Why do I sometimes open my dashboard then spend five hours eating Maltesers and listening to Gangnam Style?
You know, all the important questions.
I think the reason why I’ve struggled with blogging these past few months is because I started censoring myself. And by censoring, I don’t mean replacing ‘fuck’ with aggressive-looking asterisks and covering my cleavage with towels, but trying to fit what I write into a tiny blogger-shaped box, and coming out with eyes tinted with rose gold and sadness. Like, I used to write posts that were incredibly weird, and I wouldn’t think twice about pretending to be a fictional character to give people fictional advice, but now I’m too worried that people might think my blog isn’t right. My internal voice is just like:
‘You’re not allowed to pretend to be a fictional wolf, Karen. That’s not what bloggers do. Now, go take some pretty flatlays and be a good girl.’
So I attempt to. Except I don’t live in a rose gold dream world. I live in house with some Star Wars cardboard cutouts, Pokemon bedding and a giant ugly green character from Halo. I don’t have one of those weird wire candle holders, I don’t know how to contour and I’m not good at posing, no matter how stunningly beautiful the background is. And that’s fine.
I started this blog so I could write. I wanted to have fun putting my own slant on things and getting to be creative. But, since my half-arsed attempt of trying to make my blog into something more commercial, I feel like I’ve killed off the fun. I’ve made myself scared to post anything if it doesn’t fit in with what I think I’m supposed to be doing, even though no one has ever said there are any rules to this.
This blog is the main reason I chose to do English and Writing at university. It’s partly responsible for the job I have now, as I actually used some of my old “funny” articles as part of my portfolio. So why am I so scared to write what I want? Why am I scared to mix in a few silly posts that offer nothing more than a bit of humour?
I shouldn’t have to hide I like writing silly posts. I like describing ridiculous things and using over-the-top metaphors and asking my best friend how long it would take me to die if she left me in a car filled with hot chocolate and a snorkel, because that’s just who I am.
My friend said she’d let me make a hole in her roof to put the snorkel through btw. Which shows just how great a friend she is.
ANYWAY… here’s a post highlighting what I think are my most hilarious posts, to remind myself of how amazing blogging can be and so we can all laugh at how ridiculous I am. I hope you enjoy this post about posts!
Note: Some of these were written years and years ago so may lack commas and involve sentences longer than the Nile. Though, I’m not actually sure how long the Nile is, but it’s probably pretty long and therefore a good comparison.
The Funniest Posts I’ve Ever Written…
Things I Wish I’d Known Before Going To University
This is actually quite an informative post about university, but the way it’s written grants it a place on this list. *cheers enthusiastically* In this post, I talk about the fact my English degree involved extra-long, extra-expensive reading lists, and cry over the interest on student loans. I also mention Shakespeare flashing his flesh on street corners, David Cameron wielding an axe to chase poor students, and wanting to be a tree. Yes, you read that right. This post delves deep into my teenage dream of becoming a tree.
Sorry, that was a bit clickbaity. I 100% promise that I’m not sponsored by trees and do not receive any money or products for writing about them in such a bizarre way.
Casper the Friendly Bed-Maker
I went to London for my 21st birthday and became convinced that something sinister was going on in our hotel room. This post details what happened when I found a “needle-pen-thing” in the drawer beside the bed. It’s quite possibly the best autobiographical thing I’ve ever written, and I’m currently very jealous of past me and her writing skills. It’s also about the experience which forces me to make sure I leave the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door, no matter where I stay.
Bats Don’t Need Sun Cream
An overdramatic reaction to a power cut we had, which involves creating a “nightclub” out of Elvis songs and a torch, cooking chicken strips using matches, and eyebrows having sexual relations. Yeah, even I worry about this one.
Einstein Doesn’t Specialise in Children’s Toys
This post is about the time I bought a magic UFO from Hamley’s and thought it was actually magic. Even though I was 21, and should have been able to grasp the fact that magic doesn’t exist. The fact that this ever happened is hilarious, which is why I’m including it in this list.
Bus Travel Blues
I wrote this post because my bus journeys to uni were extra-long, extra-irritating and, at times, extra-weird. It details why buses are horrible and lists a few of the things I experienced on the bus to uni, including a woman giving the man next to me an unwanted lap dance and a passenger glaring at me for an entire journey.
Why I Don’t Take Pictures at Gigs
If you want to find out why I didn’t (and still don’t) take photos at gigs then read this post. Unless you’re terrified of photos that are so blurry they look like “human-lion hybrids performing an interpretive dance”.
Yeah, it’s hardly #InstagramGoals.
A Kindle Catastrophe
This is a post about the issues I had using my Kindle at university. It involves a lot of descriptions of me panicking in university lectures, along with an unhealthy amount of button-fondling.
Kindles have changed a lot since I got mine (in 2012), so don’t be too annoyed by any complaints that are now outdated.
My Relationship With My Nose
This is actually a very personal post about how I’ve struggled to be confident in my appearance because of my huge-ass nose (to clarify, I do not have a nose on my bum), but I obviously had to go and add a sprinkle of comedy. I remember it taking ages to get my thoughts across coherently, whilst keeping things upbeat, which is probably why I’m so proud of it. Sometimes you’ve got to put the time in!
Warning: This post references penises as a comparison to my nose struggles. I actually make comparisons to genitalia in way too much of my writing, which my mum has had to put up with for far too long. Including in my dissertation. Yes mum, I’m sorry I had to mention penises at a seminar in front of people that time, and you had to be proud of me. I’m very sorry, indeed.
Little Red Dinner Table
I had to include this one because I’ve already mentioned it a billion times. This is me pretending to be a wolf. Like you do.
I even include a disclaimer to make sure people are aware that I’m not actually a wolf. You know, just in case.
So that’s it. Eight posts which I’m actually proud of. I hope you enjoyed reading this list as much as I enjoyed looking through my previous posts. I’d definitely recommend doing this if you’re feeling down about blogging!
I think blogging works best when you be your best self. Your happiest self. The self who’s allowed to be creative and say weird things and not worry about whether she’s doing everything wrong.
You only live once: Pretend to be the wolf from Little Red Riding Hood if you want to.