“Ridiculous Advice” is a series where I give useless, stupid and outlandish advice about various topics. It’s not meant to be taken seriously, it’s just a bit of fun, so please take it with a pinch of salt.
Not a literal pinch of salt, obviously. Unless you like salt. In which case, season away!
If you don’t already know, I live in a wonderful place called Britain, where warm weather is rarer than four leaf clovers, natural pearls and characters surviving more than three seasons of Game of Thrones. This week, however, we’re experiencing something known as a “heatwave” which can be loosely defined as “that one week a year where I realise exactly how ginger I am”. Seriously, one hour in the sun and my shoulders look redder than a lobster watching a sex scene with his parents. Yes, lobsters do probably have to cringe their way through True Blood with their mother too. It’s a part of life.
Because I hate the sun so much, I’ve come up with this ridiculously silly guide to coping with warm weather. It was either that or go outside. *shudders*
An Amazing Guide to Surviving Warm Weather!
Tips and tricks from a pale, easily sunburnt person, who thinks the sun is more evil than Tywin Lannister. Yep, that bad.
Post on Facebook 14 million times about how bloody boiling it is.
Find and like all the heatwave memes, to show how much you relate to fellow sun-fearing citizens.
Convince your significant other to take the day off work so they can follow you around with a large fan.
Put on your sunglasses. It won’t help at all, but you’ll get to pretend you’re a celebrity while you do the weekly shop.
Get angry with your past self for buying a leather sofa. Try to enjoy getting your bare, sweaty skin stuck to said leather sofa.
Cry cold tears.
Stand in the supermarket freezer aisle until the ordinary British weather returns.
Regularly complain to your friends about the heat, in the hope that their sympathy will somehow cool you down.
Write a letter to your local MP requesting that they install a large blind to cover the Sun. Request that they uninstall it as soon as you go on holiday, because who wants a sun-free holiday?
Get annoyed about the fact you have no ice cubes, then proceed to have a tantrum about how awful it is to live in an icecubeless world.
Refuse to leave the house until you can have an entourage of people walking behind you with large fans.
Refuse to leave the house until the government installs air conditioning outside.
Refuse to leave the house until the government lets you undergo surgery to become a living, breathing, human ice cube.
I hope everyone in Britain enjoys this lovely, sunny, sweaty, horrible, awful weather. And I hope everyone everywhere else doesn’t get too annoyed at all us whiny Brits for crying about it.
How do you cope in warm weather?