Almost four years ago I wrote a blog post listing excuses for not blogging, even though I was blogging twice a week at the time. If you like reading about cannibals and furry handcuffs (what?) then click here to read it.
Because I haven’t written a blog post in over a month now, I thought I’d write part two. I hope you enjoy this lazy-ass list of lame-ass excuses.
Note: Some of these excuses are real and some are not.
1. I spent the entire month pretending to be a camel for research purposes and I’m pretty sure that camels don’t have opposable thumbs. Or laptops.
2. Netflix released ten new episodes of Santa Clarita Diet and it’s the funniest programme ever, and I just happened to get superglued to the sofa while they were playing.
3. I spent an entire Saturday worrying about whether the snow would leave me crying alone at my/our engagement party, followed by an entire evening living my best life at said engagement party. There were M&S sandwiches and everything. Important note: M&S is a fancy food shop in the UK and possibly other areas, and should not be confused with S&M, which is something else entirely. My fancy sandwiches did not come complete with furry handcuffs.
4. Every time I opened WordPress I got an uncontrollable urge to scroll through Twitter, do some online shopping and start learning Japanese.
5. I drank so much Pepsi that I actually turned into a can of Pepsi and therefore couldn’t blog.
6. I’ve started an unpaid evening job where I sing MIA songs at the top of my voice and do some overly energetic sofa-dancing. I’m actually surprised that no one wants to pay me to do this.
7. I’ve been writing a short story about a woman who meets a guy on Tinder, sleeps with him, then becomes a cannibal, and it took me at least four evenings to work out how she kills him. Gotta work for your art!
8. Papa John’s delivered us another person’s order again, so I obviously had to use one of my evenings filling out complaint forms and being a generally angry human being.
9. My laptop got snowed in.
10. I hate snow so much that I had to spend seventeen evenings writing letters to the weather people to JUST MAKE IT STOP.
11. I use ellipses so much that I felt I had to pause for the amount of ellipsis time I’ve accumulated over the years.
12. I had to organise my pomegranate seeds into size order.
13. I had to spend fourteen hours trying to work out how to mention cannibals and furry handcuffs in this blog post. It is tradition after all.
14. I’m just lazy and unorganised and addicted to sitting on the sofa watching crap television.
Anyway, I’m back now and I promise to try and be a more organised human being. Right after I’ve finished watching Sense8 and eating all my Easter chocolate…