Sometimes in life you have to face the fact that, if you were Hansel or Gretel, you’d be dead right now.
Yes, that’s right. I wouldn’t survive in a fairy-tale. If I had the opportunity to eat a house made of sweets, I’d never even attempt to make an escape plan. If it was a choice between my life and an extra ten minutes enjoying a bar of chocolate, you can guarantee that I wouldn’t even notice an evil witch covering me in the perfect blend of herbs and spices and prepping the vegetables.
That’s why, when I started dieting last month, I was absolutely heartbroken to find out that a ridiculously tiny bar of chocolate can wipe out the option of eating anything nice for the rest of the day. Apparently chocolate is even bad for you in a non-fairy-tale land. What?! No way?!
So to make myself and any other dieters feel better, I’ve come up with a few tips for dieting without giving up the foods you love. Because chocolate.
- If you walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift, help yourself to a biscuit. You’ve burned it off.
- If you’re the one who pushes the button in the lift, help yourself to a biscuit.
- If your boyfriend has a box of crackers and you eat some it doesn’t count – they’re HIS crackers.
- Drinks don’t have calories in them. Don’t be silly! Have 14 cappuccinos and a bottle of wine and don’t write them on your food list.
- Salad = salad cream = cream = cream cakes
- If you manage to eat healthily for a whole morning, help yourself to a biscuit.
- If you don’t write something on your food list, it never happened.
- Chocolate is a vegetable.
- If it’s the weekend, your birthday, your friend’s birthday, your mum’s birthday or you cousin’s brother’s sister’s friend’s birthday it doesn’t count.
- Wind the scales back a bit so you can order a takeaway.
- If you eat four chocolate crepes, a Galaxy bar, a piece of cake and two bags of Maltesers, you’ll be far happier than you will if you spend five hours trying to count how many calories are in the Oxo cube you’re allowed to eat.
As I’m currently sat with a large box of chocolate biscuits, it is clear that my diet has failed. But at least me and the biscuits are happy together.