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Dieting Tips: Just Put Me In a Witch’s Oven

Cake
Cake

Sometimes in life you have to face the fact that, if you were Hansel or Gretel, you’d be dead right now.

Yes, that’s right. I wouldn’t survive in a fairy-tale. If I had the opportunity to eat a house made of sweets, I’d never even attempt to make an escape plan. If it was a choice between my life and an extra ten minutes enjoying a bar of chocolate, you can guarantee that I wouldn’t even notice an evil witch covering me in the perfect blend of herbs and spices and prepping the vegetables.

That’s why, when I started dieting last month, I was absolutely heartbroken to find out that a ridiculously tiny bar of chocolate can wipe out the option of eating anything nice for the rest of the day. Apparently chocolate is even bad for you in a non-fairy-tale land. What?! No way?!

So to make myself and any other dieters feel better, I’ve come up with a few tips for dieting without giving up the foods you love. Because chocolate.
 

  • If you walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift, help yourself to a biscuit. You’ve burned it off.
  • If you’re the one who pushes the button in the lift, help yourself to a biscuit.
  • If your boyfriend has a box of crackers and you eat some it doesn’t count – they’re HIS crackers.
  • Drinks don’t have calories in them. Don’t be silly! Have 14 cappuccinos and a bottle of wine and don’t write them on your food list.
  • Salad = salad cream = cream = cream cakes
  • If you manage to eat healthily for a whole morning, help yourself to a biscuit.
  • If you don’t write something on your food list, it never happened.
  • Chocolate is a vegetable.
  • If it’s the weekend, your birthday, your friend’s birthday, your mum’s birthday or you cousin’s brother’s sister’s friend’s birthday it doesn’t count.
  • Wind the scales back a bit so you can order a takeaway.
  • If you eat four chocolate crepes, a Galaxy bar, a piece of cake and two bags of Maltesers, you’ll be far happier than you will if you spend five hours trying to count how many calories are in the Oxo cube you’re allowed to eat.
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    As I’m currently sat with a large box of chocolate biscuits, it is clear that my diet has failed. But at least me and the biscuits are happy together.

12 thoughts on “Dieting Tips: Just Put Me In a Witch’s Oven

  1. In the long run, giving up the sweets and being on a diet will be worth it! It’s a hard discipline to overcome, but it’s definitely possible. I have trouble with dieting often times, and think I am entitled to a treat because I took the stairs instead of the elevator… @___@. “If I eat salad now, can I have some chips later on today?”

    1. If you were asked to babysit a wild animal, what would it be?
    2. Kitkat or Hershey’s bar?

  2. Oh, man. Giving up chocolate and other sweets is something I’d not do well! I love chocolate so much. I can’t abstain them for the life of me, but I’ll try my best to limit my intakes . . . but even that doesn’t always work out. Why must all the yummy food and treats be unhealthy for us?!

  3. I agree with every point you have here Amy! Hahaha, I work in retail and am moving all the time for like 8 hours+ every week, I count this as exercise and an excuse to eat chocolate. I could never diet, I tried it before but I just can’t I love food too much and will continue loving food! Salad = salad cream = cream = cream cakes = YES. ?? What helps me sometimes though is to drink green tea after I have lots of junk food, it makes me feel better for like an hour then I’m back at it. LOL.

    I’m so excited for your vlog! I hope you start a chain reaction and that all bloggers participate in something similar haha! It’d be awesome!

    Did you join any societies at university?

  4. This sounds like my type of diet. I always knew chocolate was a vegetable. πŸ˜‰

    I’m lucky because I have a high metabolism and so I’ve never needed to diet. However I would like to try eating a little bit healthier.

    Question for your vlog: where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

  5. My question is what which six PokΓ©mon would make up your dream team?

    I feel a lot better reading this post, as I was eating Nutella straight from the jar. It’s fine though, I live on the 3rd floor and we don’t have a lift. So that balances it out!
    We have a rule in work that calories don’t count during tech week. When you’re working 15 hours a day for 6 days, I’m sure nature forgives you for eating nothing but Mars bars for a day =p

  6. Oh mannn, all that chocolate on that cake! I wish all of those things were true though, haha. I totally have a bad habit of getting into a mindset like that. “I went for a run, so I deserve that huge bowl of ramen now, right???” Or even, “well, I ate healthy all day, so I’m going to get a milkshake”. It’d be nice if they evened out, but it doesn’t! I do think it’s a good thing to treat yourself once in a while as long as it’s in moderation. It makes the whole diet thing a little more tolerable πŸ™‚

  7. Chocolate….n_n I just had some Hello Panda filled with chocolate before reading your blog πŸ˜€ I also do bad with diets, but found that it helps to have a friend who eats healthy too who can eat a meal with you frequently enough. It’ll motivate you to eat veggies more and snack less. But once that friend leaves, it’s back to yummy cookies and chocolate.

    You have a vlog? Cool! What is this vlog while eating m & m’s? Are you trying different m & m flavors? Are you going to eat a color and tell one fun fact about you that is determined by the color?

    By the way, I found your blog through Pauline’s blog comments section. Trying to start reading people’s blogs more as I had slacked off for a while and ended up outside the blogging community.

  8. I’m not going to lie, dieting is extremely hard! Of course, it gets easier after the first week. However, don’t think of it as a diet, think of it as a lifestyle change. That’s what I’ve been told when I started weight watchers and was losing weight.

    Honestly, when I had joined weight watchers I was a little bit skeptical at first but since I started losing weight, I’ve been noticing that a piece of chocolate at the end of the week or beginning of the week doesn’t hurt. You can still eat the things you love, just in moderate portions.

    Hmm, a question for a vlog? Let me think….what kind of books do you normally read?

  9. Oh man, I sometimes excuse myself to having a chocolate if I have done something good, even if it had nothing to do with the amount of calories burned. At all. πŸ™‚

    I have one question – what is one thing you hate about where you live?

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