*slightly exaggerated title. No Christmas songs were harmed in the making of this blog post…
I love Christmas. I love wrapping presents, watching Christmas movies, and drinking a nice festive hot chocolate. I love advent calendars, Christmas dinner, and the smell of hot roast chestnuts.
But, every so often, when I’m happily listening through a Christmas playlist, I come across a song that makes me click the “next button” quicker than you can say ‘bah, humbug’. Because some Christmas songs do not get me into the festive spirit, but into the spirit of anger, misery and iPod-smashing.
Being the festively delightful person that I am, I thought I’d share these with you. Feel free to debate these with me in the comments – just don’t force me to listen to them!
Walking in the Air
This song reminds me of those awful Christmases where the TV schedule is so bad that you’re forced to watch a tedious and miserable film about a snowman. You can’t dance to it, you can’t wrap presents to it, and you DEFINITELY cannot let any of your family members sing to it. Which makes it pretty useless as a Christmas song, in my opinion.
All I Want for Christmas is You
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t such a bad Christmas song. It’s cheery, festive and there’s a certain charm to Mariah Carey frolicking in the snow with her reindeer friends, but five-year-old Amy couldn’t get on board with this mediocre Christmas song always taking number one in the music channel Christmas countdowns. Mariah Carey beating Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, The Fairytale of New York and Mary’s Boy Child (yes, steel pans are Christmassey, alright?)? Really? I mean, a man flying around on Christmas Eve is perfectly believable when you put it next to that. But, for some reason, every music channel in the world had Mariah Carey on a pedestal, so I had to put up with 3000 repeats of this every time we put up the Christmas tree. I demand a recount!
East 17 – Stay Another Day
Every time I hear this song I have to swiftly vacate the area where it is being played, then hit myself in the ears until the memory has faded. It is a horrible, horrible song and I can’t stand it.
For a start, this shouldn’t even be classed as a Christmas song. It is not a Christmas song. It’s a boy band whining about love. Yet, for some reason, every CD company in the world insists on putting this awful song on CD2 of their Greatest Hits. Probably because there aren’t 40 good Christmas songs. There are in fact only 10, and 3 of these are Band Aid.
But, even if you manage to get past the lack of snowflakes and sparkles, this is still a genuinely terrible song. The lyrics are boring, the tune is irritating, and we never even find out if she stayed another day. Though I can guess that she didn’t, if this musical monstrosity is anything to go by.
Santa Baby makes the list because it makes me feel like I’m being awkwardly seduced, by an incredibly desperate woman who wants to stroke my beard. And no, I am not comfortable with this. It most definitely isn’t the true meaning of Christmas. I don’t want my beard stroking. I don’t want to go down your chimney. And I don’t want to slip a sable in your anywhere, thank you very much.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Picture this: you’re a young child who believes in Santa Claus. You love Christmas, you love the presents he brings you, and you think he’s the most magical man in the world.
Then, you hear a song making accusations about Santa’s moral standing. A supposed Christmas song. The song tells you he’s a debaucherous old creep who seduces women when he’s meant to be delivering presents. What are you supposed to think?
I always hated this song for that. How dare you tell me Santa Claus ruins marriages? He’s just brought me six Barbie dolls and a My Little Pony. You can’t trash him to a cheery melody. You just can’t.
And also, quite frankly, who wants to listen to a song that suggests your mum might leave your dad for some dude with bad dress sense and an overgrown beard? I know I don’t.
What’s your least favourite Christmas song?