Ten years ago today, I was a weird 15-year-old who really wanted to be an actress. I hung round with the “geeks”, wore those fabric arm bands with skulls all over and lived in my System of a Down hoody. I was afraid to show I enjoyed anything at school, in case the popular kids laughed at me or picked on me or whatever I thought they were going to do. I had a great set of friends, even though I hated how unpopular we all were, and we all used to sing ‘Here in Your Arms’ at the top of our voices and dance in the middle of the school field (I say ‘dance’ but it was more a messy flailing of our arms and legs). Ten years ago today, I was an uncertain teenager still thinking my parents were unfair.
Ten years ago today, I also started this blog.
Mamyology started with me posting a few sentences a day about what happened at school. It wasn’t incredibly well written or well thought out, it was just a series of posts about my feelings and lots of pointless things that had happened to me.
Over the years it’s become a place where I can practice writing, make friends and learn lots of new things. It’s the main reason why I took English and Writing at university, and I probably wouldn’t be in the amazing job I am if it wasn’t for Mamyology.
In order to celebrate this wonderful ten years, I thought I’d share a few snippets of my earliest blog posts on here. These quotes are all from posts that have been deleted, because they were way too embarrassing to leave out in public. I hope you enjoy them!
Note: All the quotes are written in bold grey text. I’m not talented enough to make big quotation marks appear and block-quotes look really weird, so I’ve just left them like that.
1. Apparently I used to document how rude I was to my teachers
Me and my form tutor tend to have a lot of debates in form about various things. For instance, one time she was yelling at me and my friend for not getting up ready for a rehearsal in drama.
Her: I TOLD YOU TWO TO GET UP AND START THE REHEARSAL!!
Me: No you didn’t, when did you say that??
Her: I’ve asked you three times.
Me: You haven’t asked us at all, I think we would have heard you.
Her: Amy, don’t answer back to me.
Me: Well it’s stupid, you always exaggerate things so you can sound like you have some authority.
Her: Amy, I did ask you and *friend* to do that.
Me: I don’t care. It’s not even worth having this argument.
Her: Don’t you walk away from me!!
Why does it seem like 17-year-old Amy is proud of this?
2. A quote about me not revising and therefore doing badly in my exam
Two weeks ago I got my AS level results. ACC. The A’s in graphic art and the Cs are in dance and english lang/lit. I was pleased with the first two, but my face dropped when I saw the 3rd. A C in English?? For fuck’s sake!! A in my coursework, D in the exam. I knew I hadn’t done so well in the exam, but a D?? I suppose it’s my own fault for beginning my revision half an hour before the exam. Resit it is then.
1. Something that annoys you about my website/something I could improve on.
2. Give me a question to answer in a Q and A blog entry. Please…
Answer to question one: Absolutely everything. You are the single most annoying person on the internet and I can’t believe these odd rambles got you any followers at all.
3. A poem I wrote about pigeons
You inspire me
With your wisdom and words
They just flow off the page
Like the flying of birds
Doves, they must be
Such beautiful perfection
But we’re in Leeds
So I’d be led to pigeons…. rejection??
Not exactly the rarest of creatures,
But take a closer look at their features….
Oh, still pretty much the same,
And now I’m covered in bird poo.
Reasons why I can’t write poetry:
It may start off all lovely
With the best of intentions
But my mind seems to go
To some other dimension
It’s worrying that this was posted with absolutely no context and I can’t even give any context here because I have absolutely no idea why this was written.
4. Five things I wanted to achieve before dying
19) Name five things you want to do before you die.
I’ll choose the random ones:
Talk to someone using alphabetti spaghetti.
Ask if they sell alphabetti spagetti in Clintons.
Buy a Big Issue from the hilarious woman who said she’d give us one for free if we stopped the religious guy from preaching in town.
Get drunk in the Sweden of the UK (Ikea).
Go out wearing a bin bag and some cling film.
I’ve achieved none of these things since this post was written and I’m actually pretty okay with it. I once forced a friend to go out for Halloween covered in sanitary towels though, so it’s possible that I’m actually winning at life.*
*Unfortunately, the sanitary towels were removed after half an hour of people pouring red drinks on him, so I probably wouldn’t recommend it as your next Halloween costume.
5. The one where David Hasselhoff doesn’t teach me how to scuba dive
Yesterday I was supposed to have graphic art first and second period, but the teacher wasn’t there. I wasn’t too happy about that to be honest. I went in at 8:30, when I could have gone in at 11:25. Bloody annoying. Teachers should really warn us if they’re not going to be there. I could have done something more productive with my time, such as going scuba diving with David Hasselhoff or sleeping.
Just as a side-note, I don’t actually know if David Hasselhoff scuba dives (or if that’s how you spell his name). And I also pretty much doubt he’d ever take time out of his busy life to teach me the basics of scuba diving in my free lessons. Oh yeah, I can’t swim too well either. Good job I’m not claiming this as 100% factual then.
I’d rather wait for three hours because my teacher hasn’t turned up than have to listen to 17-year-old Amy whining about school again. Also, still waiting on those scuba diving lessons. Anyone got Hasselhoff’s phone number?
6. This is just plain stupid
You probably don’t know what CT day is…. well, neither do I. It probably stands for something pointless and irrelevant, but I don’t know what. Though some people in my school have the theory it’s ‘Cock Touching’ day, which I very much doubt myself. Basically it’s just a day where they teach us life skills and make us do stupid activities.
I very much doubt that your school’s making you take part in “Cock Touching” day as well, Amy. What a weird thing to mention in a blog post.
7. The most exciting thing ever written in a blog post
I ended up having a good day in town. I’ve not really much more to say about it, other than we went into Starbucks. And in Starbucks I saw someone I knew who’s dyed his hair red. I hardly recognised him.
Cool story bro.
8. That’s a nice cloud
I felt like posting this random picture of a cloud in this entry, because it’s just so huge. I took it when I was in my dad’s van, and just thought that it was a unique looking cloud. You can’t enlarge the image until I’ve put it in the photos section though. I’ll do that eventually.
I don’t know what’s worse – the fact I used to have a photography section on my website where I showcased photos I took in moving cars with a terrible camera-phone, or how I dedicated two sentences to a cloud I saw. Leave your answers in the comments below!
9. Quick fact: Children’s books are short
We ended up reading this farm animal book, and guessing the animals from their descriptions. Some of the stuff we came out with was pretty funny, but I guess it was one of those you had to be there things. Childrens books are short though, so someone suggested playing charades. I love people’s ridiculous actions in charades, and filmed some of it on my phone.
Excerpt from a wild night I had with my friends when I was 16 and clearly enjoyed farm animal books a bit too much. I particularly like the ‘Children’s books are short though’ reference, which is A. a completely ridiculous and pointless fact to add in, and B. absolutely fucking stupid.
10. Why was a grown man dressed as Santa telling my 16-year-old friend he was going to spank her?
Okay, so I feel that I need to blog about my Christmas and such, as I haven’t been blogging for a while. I went to a party on Christmas Eve at this club/pub with my friend’s family. This guy dressed as Santa walked in and asked two of my friends if they’d been good this year. One said yes, the other said no. Santa said, “Have you been a naughty girl then??” She said, “Yes.” And he replied, a reply which I was shocked at coming from Santa, “I’ll have to put you over my knee and spank you then.”
Seriously, why? What on earth?!
11. Advice for drunk people, by 16-year-old Amy
At the party that I went to we’d all been dancing and were really warm so we went outside for a while. Then this guy came into the pub part of the building we were in, his face bleeding badly. I actually thought it was a joke ’cause the guy the party was for is a paramedic. The guy walked up to the security guard and he wouldn’t let him in. He said to the security guard, “I’ve just been beaten up mate; I want a pint.” What the fuck??
So the guy went in and ended up being taken into the baby’s changing rooms to stop him from bleeding all over the place. Then the police and ambulance came to take him to the hospital. I just found it funny/weird that the man’s first instinct was to go and get a pint. You should never do that when injured. We learnt it in dance. What may cause harm to injuries:
When you’re so drunk that you can’t remember what shoes are, the least you can do is remember the HARM mnemonic. Ah, 16-year-old Amy, you know nothing about alcohol.
12. Some questions from a blog post titled ‘Lalalalalalala’
Random questions ’cause this blog fails:
1. If you were being attacked by a chicken what would you hit it with??
2. What’s the first thing you’d do if lemons started falling from the sky??
3. How many pancakes does it take to make an orang-utan??
4. What does the blog title make you think of??
5. What brand of toilet paper do you use??
1. This blog post.
2. Be convinced that I was some kind of god, because I predicted it in a blog post when I was 16.
3. Trick question. Orang-utans are afraid of eggs so they’d never agree to be made out of pancakes.
4. The Kylie Minogue song where she’s wrapped in toilet paper.
5. Kylie Minogue’s dress.
I hope you enjoyed that very strange and ridiculously embarrassing trip down memory lane. Thank you to anyone who’s read anything over the years and special thanks to those who’ve followed my weirdness for a long time. You’re all amazing!