It’s been an awful day for me. I’ve hardly slept all night working on my glorious advice article, and now Hello magazine are refusing to publish it. I mean, what’s wrong with ‘Dining on humans for dummies’? It’s hardly offensive, there’s not even one expletive in the whole thing. I personally think it would fit perfectly between ‘Are you getting enough sex?’ and the problem pages. Who wouldn’t want to read that? In fact, who wouldn’t need to read that nowadays? I’ve seen the way everyone eats in this ridiculous modern age, all hands and no manners. I went into McDonald’s and was appalled, not only by their utterly ludicrous, not even child-sized portions, but also by the grotesque beings that sprawled out and shovelled fistfuls of food into their dribbling mouths. You’d think knives and forks had gone out of fashion! I think it’s about time Hello magazine helped to do something about this travesty. But no, no one wants to let a poor old giant instill some basic rules of etiquette into badly brought up readers who can’t even manage to eat a pathetic piece of cow properly, let alone a full sized human!
To top it all off, the day ended with two filthy police officers marching me off to prison. I honestly cannot think what I had done wrong. I took the ‘sorry your article is highly inappropriate’ news quite well actually. Any normal monster would have head butted, punched and kicked out at the repulsively large building (which is unnecessarily larger than me in quite a disconcerting fashion). They would have battled the brickwork until it turned to rubble, and crushed everyone inside. I didn’t do anything at all like that. I only ate the editor. The way they reacted though you would think I had consumed my soup straight from the bowl – but apparently eating one little human is much worse than such highly rude and offensive table manners.
It baffles me as to what their problem was. I made absolutely no mess on the floor, and used a knife and fork to eat that dim-witted woman. I was careful in chewing her with my mouth closed at all times, and even wiped away the blood with a serviette. In fact, I was so wonderfully polite that I am clueless as to what the horrified faces were for. It’s true – in this day and age impeccable table manners mean nothing. They just leave you in a damp, dingy cell like this one.