…from someone who’s never written an entire novel before.
As I’m currently in the midst of Camp NaNoWriMo, (where you attempt to write 50,000 words of a novel in a month) I thought it would be fitting to write a ridiculous advice post based on writing a novel. Because writing a novel is hard. Really hard. Ridiculously, unbelievably hard.
So, I’ve put together a few terrible novel-writing “tips” so you can be as
good average rubbish as I am at making stories happen. And so I could avoid looking at the atrocious twenty-thousand words I’ve written so far. Enjoy!
1. Stare at a blank Microsoft Word document for three hours.
2. Spend four hours scrolling through Facebook, regularly pausing to laugh at funny videos of pandas.
3. Make yourself a snack. Make yourself another snack.
4. Click save a thousand times so you don’t lose the nothing you’ve written.
5. Buy a typewriter in the hope that its magical powers will turn you into a writing machine.
6. Buy a fancy new laptop in the hope that it’s magical powers will turn you into a writing machine.
7. Eat an entire sharing bag of chocolate buttons. Do no writing whatsoever.
8. Imagine your six-figure book deal for your non-existent book.
9. Read a good book. Realise you could never possibly write anything as brilliant as said book. Wallow in sadness.
10. Realise how terrible your plot is. Decide you’ll start writing as soon as you sort your plot out.
11. Realise how hard it is to plot your novel. Avoid doing it for as long as possible.
12. Spend four hours scrolling through Twitter, singing Sean Paul songs as the top of your voice. Consider a career in singing.
13. Set yourself stupidly unrealistic word count goals. Be sad when you fail.
14. Check your word count. Check it again. Check it again.
15. Imagine your non-existent book being turned into a movie.
16. Imagine your non-existent book being turned into a movie starring Helena Bonham-Carter.
17. Scroll through the #CampNaNoWriMo hashtag, wishing your last Twitter post was also about how successful you are, instead of being about how much chocolate you’ve eaten today.
18. Force yourself to write whatever comes into your head. Realise it’s terrible, delete every word and cry.
19. Spend four hours scrolling through Instagram, singing Sean Paul songs at the top of your voice.
20. Delete everything in your Word document because it is utterly terrible and would never be published by anyone.
21. Stare at a blank Microsoft Word document for three hours.
…yeah, writing a novel is hard.
Have you ever written/tried to write a novel? Have you ever sang Sean Paul songs at the top of your voice to show your significant other how excellent you are at singing Sean Paul songs?