How to Survive a British Heatwave

“Ridiculous Advice” is a series where I give useless, stupid and outlandish advice about various topics. It’s not meant to be taken seriously, it’s just a bit of fun, so please take it with a pinch of salt.

Not a literal pinch of salt, obviously. Unless you like salt. In which case, season away!

A photo of me wearing sunglasses and smiling
Here’s a photo of me “enjoying” the sun six years ago. I’ve rarely ventured out into it since.

If you don’t already know, I live in a wonderful place called Britain, where warm weather is rarer than four leaf clovers, natural pearls and characters surviving more than three seasons of Game of Thrones. This week, however, we’re experiencing something known as a “heatwave” which can be loosely defined as “that one week a year where I realise exactly how ginger I am”. Seriously, one hour in the sun and my shoulders look redder than a lobster watching a sex scene with his parents. Yes, lobsters do probably have to cringe their way through True Blood with their mother too. It’s a part of life.

Because I hate the sun so much, I’ve come up with this ridiculously silly guide to coping with warm weather. It was either that or go outside. *shudders*

   

An Amazing Guide to Surviving Warm Weather!

Tips and tricks from a pale, easily sunburnt person, who thinks the sun is more evil than Tywin Lannister. Yep, that bad.

Post on Facebook 14 million times about how bloody boiling it is.

 

Find and like all the heatwave memes, to show how much you relate to fellow sun-fearing citizens.

 

Convince your significant other to take the day off work so they can follow you around with a large fan.

 

Put on your sunglasses. It won’t help at all, but you’ll get to pretend you’re a celebrity while you do the weekly shop.

 

Get angry with your past self for buying a leather sofa. Try to enjoy getting your bare, sweaty skin stuck to said leather sofa.

 

Cry cold tears.

 

Stand in the supermarket freezer aisle until the ordinary British weather returns.

 

Regularly complain to your friends about the heat, in the hope that their sympathy will somehow cool you down.

 

Write a letter to your local MP requesting that they install a large blind to cover the Sun. Request that they uninstall it as soon as you go on holiday, because who wants a sun-free holiday?

 

Get annoyed about the fact you have no ice cubes, then proceed to have a tantrum about how awful it is to live in an icecubeless world.

 

Refuse to leave the house until you can have an entourage of people walking behind you with large fans.

 

Refuse to leave the house until the government installs air conditioning outside.

 

Refuse to leave the house until the government lets you undergo surgery to become a living, breathing, human ice cube.

  

I hope everyone in Britain enjoys this lovely, sunny, sweaty, horrible, awful weather. And I hope everyone everywhere else doesn’t get too annoyed at all us whiny Brits for crying about it.

How do you cope in warm weather?

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7 Comments

  1. I live in Texas. It reaches more than 100 F or 37 C and that isn’t the humidity either. That can be in the index of nearly 90 F or 32 C. Despite the heat and humidity killing everything in Texas, there are some mild days and there are rain days, and take it from me, Britain, just stay inside with the A/C blowing or fans and drink lots of cold water, and take cold showers to stay ahead of the heat, plus swimming at dusk or swimming in the morning works wonders.

    I wish the government could install A/C outside but alas, there isn’t even that much WiFi either 🙁 If I gotta be hot, let me play on my phone and not eat my battery like candy. I understand how you feel but never come to Texas. It’s fucking insane here with the heat during summer time.

  2. I hate heat. I don’t do well in heat as I burn easily and am prone to heat rash. 🙁 it’s been 32°C in my flat at night making sleep difficult.

    We’re a funny country, we complain when it’s raining and cold then complain when we do get a heatwave lol.

    Tips for staying cool – fans and to stay hydrated.

  3. Heatwaves are pretty miserable, but I guess since I’ve been through so many of them, I’ve learned how to deal and ride them out.

    I recently went to Australia back in January, the midst of their summer. I discovered that they didn’t quite have the luxury of having AC’s in some of their houses. Of course, it was quite uncomfortable at first, but we had fans and other ways to cool off, so I dealt with it.

  4. I like the sound of this blogging series! Oh man, we’re also experiencing heat waves here in California as well! I love the humor from these points. Leather chairs in cars are PAINFUL when you’re parked out in the sun!!! I can so relate with standing in the supermarket freezer… I usually exercise during lunch time and when I get to the market, I stay in the cold area to cool down XD. Ok, avoid wearing long sleeve tops in the heat… Trapped heat is not good at all!

  5. LOL hahah

    “Yes, lobsters do probably have to cringe their way through True Blood with their mother too” OMG that sounds pretty cringe worthy.

    I can totally relate. I live in a city where we get a lot of cloudy/rainy weather, so when it hits at least 60 F/15 C, people automatically whip out their shorts and sunglasses and then people who are used to nicer weather talk about how cold it is, haha.

  6. Amy! Cry cold tears!!!! I lost it at that, that’s the funniest advice I’ve ever heard, I love it!
    I don’t mind heat but I hate humidity, I hoped there would be a storm to break it, but Liverpool seems to have missed it.

    Hahaha, cry cold tears…it genuinely made me laugh out loud! Hope you’re not too sunburnt!

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