How to Deal with Hayfever

It’s “heatwave” time in the UK, which means everyone over here gets to complain about how the sun is an evil life-sucking force which only fulfills its proper function in Spain, and how they just want it to cool down a bit so they can stop sweating like a horse in a burger van. But for me, hot weather brings more than just sweat and irritability, something much worse. The Devil. Satan. Hay-fever. Which is why I’ve put together some tips for dealing with this force of evil, before it leaves you bent over a box of tissues, crying from the pollen harassing your eyeballs.

Tips for Surviving a Summer Experience with Flower-Satan

  • Tape tissues all over your face, body and home so sneezing requires minimal clean-up effort.
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  • Lock all doors and windows and sit in your wardrobe crying until summer is over.
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  • Employ are really tiny person to scratch your eyeballs every minute of every pollen-infested day.
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  • Cover your face holes in duct tape to stop the evil pollen in its tracks.
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  • Learn how to not breathe through your mouth or nose and sleep without dying.
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  • Cry until summer is over.
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  • Hire an army of bee-slaves to eat all of the pollen everywhere. Try not to get stung in the process.
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  • Attach army of bee-slaves to your face to remove the pollen. Try really hard not to get stung in the process.
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  • Make sneezing more bearable by singing the Fridays from ‘Friday’ by Rebecca Black. The way you’re feeling will be comparatively better than your sneeze-induced singing.
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  • Move to Antarctica. If the pollen follows you can hide in your igloo until you’re eaten alive by polar bears.
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  • Cry until summer is over.

Yeah, I’m really sorry if you came here for real advice. The only real advice I have is to stock up on tissues and hope the pollen count goes down soon. Or move to Antarctica.

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4 Comments

  1. Oh God, I hate hayfever. It make my eyes, nose, and just about every crevice on my face water. And I look disgusting.

    “Flower-Satan” LOOOL. Love these ridiculous tips.

  2. I’m so fortunate in that I have never suffered from hayfever, but my other half gets it really bad each year. I’ll ask him if he’s tried any of these techniques. Crying until summer is over sounds like a good one.

    Have you tried having the injection? It completely changed my brother’s life each summer.

  3. LMAO!!! Such awesome advice there. Made me giggle. I so agree though. I’m on every medication under the sun for allergies and I still sneeze and cough, which is like 10 times worse because of my asthma! BLEG!

  4. I don’t think I’ve had hayfever, but I never know. Spring is virtually nonexistent in Texas, okay, I kid. It exists, but it barely makes a dent in what I call summertime right after winter. It’s like two seasons exist here in Texas, and it sucks. I just get bronchitis, but not this time. I fought it off and never felt better about it.

    I laughed so hard. I think I’ll move to Antarctica just because of the penguins! Okay, I kid again, but your advice is funny. Flower-Satan! I think I’ll use it!

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